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pregnant woman advised to disregard husband’s worries about baby name choice

A Mumsnet user asked the community for suggestions regarding her husband and the name of their unborn child.

The user, who goes by the handle mopingmum, said the couple had a “very late miscarriage at the start of the year and it was a very traumatic time,” and now that they are expecting again, she says she “struggles to come to grips with the pregnancy, I felt like the only way I could cope was to ignore it and try not to get attached in case we lost him too.”

After going through therapy, she claims that naming the child, “which I did and he has been Elijah for months now,” was one of the things that helped. Although I did choose it, in a strange way it just feels like his name. My husband concurred and used this term for him throughout the entire pregnancy.

Sadly, he has undergone a significant change of heart and now claims that it doesn’t feel right, he dislikes the name, it is inappropriate because we have no Jewish roots, etc. I’m not sure if I’m just being a little unfair and traumatized, but I’m really hurt.

U.K. “Finding a suitable compromise in situations like this is likely to be very difficult,” the relationship charity Relate told Newsweek. The temptation might be to fight it out until one of you caves, but in this case, someone will feel like they lost, and that could lead to some difficult emotions.

“Perhaps a better way to approach this is to comprehend the impact on each partner should they decide to keep the name, followed by the impact on each partner should they decide to change the name. A conversation that is more compassionate and in which both parties’ emotions are heard and acknowledged might benefit from using this communication style.

The expectant mother says that although her husband experienced the miscarriage as painfully as she did, “he hasn’t gone through pregnancy just weeks after, and he hasn’t had to work through the trauma that I have.”

They frequently experience the loss as painfully as the carrying partner, according to Relate. Although they won’t experience the same hormonal changes and imbalances, they may still feel bereavement to the same extent. Since this is frequently not acknowledged, the non-carrying partner may feel awkward discussing the degree of distress they are also experiencing.

“This might imply that they downplay their emotions in order to support their partner. They might feel abandoned as a result and be unable to express their sorrow. As they go through this incredibly upsetting time, talking about their feelings with their partner and possibly also with a counselor can help them process and eventually begin to feel better.

Mumsnet users responded to the post with over 140 comments, showing their support for the woman.

Imsureineverdo, a user, offered this advice: “You are not being unreasonable. Could he decide on a middle name?”

He’s not wrong either, according to Lucyshavingaparty. He has the right to request a different name if he so chooses. It’s also his child.

Compromise with Eli?, asked user Charlavail. For instance, he could go by Michael and use the name Elijah. I understand what you mean when you say that the name chose itself. I felt that way about DD’s name.

Please contact us at life@newsweek.com if you are experiencing a similar family problem. We can consult experts for guidance, and Newsweek might publish your story.

Micheal Kurt

I earned a bachelor's degree in exercise and sport science from Oregon State University. He is an avid sports lover who enjoys tennis, football, and a variety of other activities. He is from Tucson, Arizona, and is a huge Cardinals supporter.

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